S/he is Not Getting Better – Why Am I Even Doing This?
BALM | November 21, 2014
Sometimes family members get into recovery to help their loved ones, and when the results don’t come ‘in a timely fashion’, the family members say, ‘why am I even doing this?’
This is particularly true in a program like BALM® that focuses not only on the family member’s own recovery, but also on learning new ways to communicate with the loved one.
So why? Why continue with your recovery, with learning how to Be A Loving Mirror when it doesn’t seem to be helping them?
Here are some quick ideas to ponder:
- Your recovery is first and foremost about YOU, not about your loved one! It’s your job to build serenity into your life, no one else’s.
- Your inner peace is catchy, just as your inner turmoil is catchy. While it may not cause your loved one to stop using, your getting to a peaceful place and speaking and acting from that quiet within, will allow you to STOP contributing to the chaos that is your loved one’s reality. Two people in chaos do not help anyone ‘get’ recovery.
- Once you become calm, truly calm, you WILL be able to observe the facts with much less judgment. This will allow you to make better decisions as to how to relate to them and to yourself.
- Staying in a relationship with a loved one who is using requires a person to have a laser sharp focus on their own recovery. Without recovery, staying with a user will deplete your inner resources as well as your outer ones.
- We have no control over when a loved one will get clean and sober or even whether they will. What we do have are techniques and tools designed to improve the quality of our own lives and the quality of our communication with our loved one.
- Recovery takes time. That goes for you and for your loved one. So, breathe in slowly and increase your patience with your loved one and yourself.
Indeed, your work at learning to Be A Loving Mirror is not only important, it’s lifesaving – for you! And as you get better, your loved one’s chances of getting better go up too.
Have a Loving Day!