The BALM Blog
See all posts“From Chaos to Calm: How the BALM Transformed My Recovery and Relationships”
“I don’t understand why my parents don’t trust me! I am doing everything I am supposed to do, and they still don’t trust me. I might as well just use if they are going to keep treating me like I am using!” I said to my sponsor with all the indignation I could muster, and I meant it. I really had no understanding at all why after 2 weeks of “doing all the right things” they still didn’t trust me. How could they not see all the hard work I was putting into not using.
“Honey, your parents are entitled to ALL their feelings and to their process. You have been lying to them for years, and now after a few weeks they should trust you. That would be insane!” My sponsor said. She went on to explain that my addiction had traumatized and harmed my parents in ways I would likely never understand, and I needed to give them time. Allowing them the time they needed to heal was both part of the wreckage of my past and a living amends (amends given by changing my behavior) to my family. I am sure you can imagine I was not thrilled with that explanation.
What if I had had the BALM all those years ago? I can think of countless situations and circumstances that would have been very different if I had the tools of the BALM at my fingertips. My mom and I fought like cats and dogs. She was hurt deeply by my SUD, and she did not have the tools to deal with it in a healthy way. She only knew how to blame and guilt me. On the one hand, she would take on my failures as if they were hers saying things like “How could you do this to me” or “I should have been a better mother” when in fact, my choices were just that, my choices, and they had absolutely nothing to do with her. On the other hand, she would blame me for “ruining her life” and “destroying the family” I was, it seemed both powerless and very powerful at the same time. What I have learned in the BALM is that my power does not come from someone else, it comes from within, from my recovery, from calm and centered reliance on God.
I have learned that calm is power. I have learned that my actions and my choices have an impact on those who love me. I have learned to practice acceptance of my circumstances and respect for the choices of others. By respecting the choices of others, I was empowered to make healthy choices of my own based on acceptance of the facts. The 3 A’s: Awareness, Acceptance and Action guide my daily life and the spiritual connection I have developed through the practice of trust in the process allow me to be the person I was always meant to be.
The 12 Principles have taught me the value of keeping the focus on me because I am the only thing I can actually control. By learning to apply this, my relationships are different today. They are reciprocal. In the past people described me as judgy; today they comment on my ability to accept what seems unacceptable. My 26 yr old was at my house a few months ago, and after watching the chaos that is my family including my 3 teenagers who still live at home, he commented, “Wow, I have been here for like two hours and I haven’t heard you yell once.” That, my friend, is the miracle of boundaries at work. I have learned to stay in my own lane and value my own peace of mind all through the practice of the BALM. These are all things that are found in many other places, 12 Step Recovery, Religion, Psychiatry and every self-help book on the shelf, but there is something about the loving BALM Community and the way the program is put together that made it click for me in a way that nothing else had. Join me on this journey!
The upcoming course of the 12 Principles for Individuals in Recovery starts on Wednesday, February 5 at 5:00PM ET. Click here to learn more.