A Reader Asks: What if just sharing the facts doesn’t help my loved one?
This question came in an email from a reader.
Dear BALM® Blog,
My loved one has been using for a number of years. No matter how many facts i lovingly share with him, he still chooses his drugs. I can’t take it anymore. Getting ready to bolt. What could I do other than leave?
A BALM® Blog Reader
That is a great question!
Of course you are always at choice and you are free to leave if that is your choice.
But, if you still value your loved one and the relationship, there are more options for you within BALM® other than sharing the facts or leaving.
Once you have shared the facts, for as long as you decide is long enough, it is time to begin setting boundaries.
Setting a boundary is one of the most difficult things a family member can do. It involves getting to a point of no longer being willing to tolerate certain behaviors and being willing to do whatever it takes to uphold the boundary.
If your loved one is like many who are drug or alcohol involved, ‘whatever it takes’ could mean anything from taking away the keys to their car to changing the locks on the door, to calling the police. It may also involve leaving, if none of those options make a dent in your situation or if you choose to. Remember, You are ALWAYS at choice (BALM® 7th C)
And the manipulation, guilt and/or venom your loved one may pour on you when you go to follow through on a boundary you have set, stops many families in their tracks.
That is why we say Don’t Set a Boundary Unless You Are Determined to Stick To it.
The entire Be A Loving Mirror (BALM®) Program is designed to get family members to that point of inner strength where they will be determined and able and ready to do whatever is necessary – while also providing families with a plethora of tools and skills that will, in many cases, pre-empt the need for a painful boundary through the brief intervention approach of the BALM®.
Brief interventions, such as the BALM® Conversation, are among the most powerful evidence-based practices available to help a person struggling with Substance Use Disorder make a decision to pursue recovery. And when the facts alone don’t work, that conversation includes a boundary. (If you don’t yet know that, you have not gotten to step seven of the Seven Steps to Be A Loving Mirror!)
So, in answer to your question dear Reader, NO, the BALM® is not only a conversation, it is a process that increases your understanding of addiction, recovery, communication and relationships, and strengthens you to be able to use all of the knowledge you gain to be able to utilize your own and the community’s resources to help your loved one get the help they need without losing your mind along the way.
BALMers, continue to learn and practice all of the BALM® principles, steps, tools and skills. They will give you the inner confidence that will allow you to set boundaries as needed.
Take and utilize the Seven Steps course and watch yourself grow into a true BALMer – someone who gets THEIR OWN life back, while helping their loved one get THEIR life back, too! If you are currently enrolled in the BALM® Family Program, CLICK HERE to register for 7 Steps to BALM® with Michael DeForbes.
Be A Loving Mirror!
By the way –
If you are not yet a member of the BALM® Community but would like to be, CLICK HERE for more information and fill out the Learn more about BALM® form! Someone will get back to you ASAP.
To have a question of yours answered in our blog, send your email to firstname.lastname@example.org – Subject Line: A Question for the Blog
Be A Loving Mirror!
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Life Coach/CEO
Family Recovery Resources, LLC