The BALM Blog
See all postsFamily Recovery and Men: We Have to Do Our Part by Jon Waite
In the BALM we talk about the Power of One; that it only takes one person to initiate change. However, far too often, as change starts to ripple through a family, men are hesitant to get onboard. Many times we are content to stand by and let our wives lead the way as our family struggles with the impact of our loved one’s substance use disorder (SUD). This is not to say that we do not care deeply for our loved one, or want to see them recover.
Often we do not even realize we need to pursue our own recovery. After all, we are not the one with the problem. While our wife reads every recovery book she can find and listens to every podcast that has been recommended to her, we are too busy with work or other things to do the same. She goes to her weekly support group(s), but we make excuse after excuse about why we can’t or don’t need to come along.
This is exactly how my family’s recovery journey started. My wife was the first one to understand the depths of the problems that my son, and by extension, our family were facing. I knew my son was smoking pot and drinking, but I wrote it off as typical teenage boy behavior and experimentation. After all, I drank my fair share in high school and college, and I was not struggling with SUD. Surely he would grow out of it, as he constantly assured me he would do. As our conversations about drugs became more heated, I realized that his use was more than casual or social, but I was not sure what to do.
This is when my wife started attending a Sunday support group at our church.
While the group was not an official BALM group, the facilitators were BALM trained and incorporated the language and principles into the meetings. She asked me to join her, but Sunday afternoon football held my attention. After weeks of repeatedly inviting me, I finally tagged along to appease her, and I promptly slept through the first few meetings. Eventually, I started absorbing what was being shared, and my wife and I started communicating about how we could work together to help each other and our son. Once we were on the same page, our recovery took off.
As we grew healthier, so did our son, and I am proud to report that he has been sober for two and a half years.
I am not saying that our loved ones cannot find recovery without husbands and fathers involved, quite the contrary.
I fully believe in the Power of One, but once we understand the need for our own recovery, it is crucial that we maintain a unified front with our spouse.
If we are not on the same page, our loved one will realize that and manipulate us. As men, our level of commitment makes a huge difference. Remember, recovery for our loved ones is never guaranteed, no matter what we do. However, Being a Loving Mirror gives them a much better chance, and if men will roll up their sleeves and do the work of family recovery, we will give our loved ones their best chance at recovery!
Our families are too important for us to sit idly by on the sidelines. We need to get in the game and give it everything because our families are worth it.